


(Worse Than) Nicotine

by Ponies_and_Titans (orphan_account)



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: Beautiful, Bittersweet, Crying, I'm Bad At Writing Sex, M/M, Men Crying, Mostly just Armin crying, One-Sided Attraction, Other Additional Tags to Be Added, POV Armin Arlert, Possible Continuation, Possibly Maybe Eventual Smut, Reminiscing, Sad, So yeah, Thinking, Unrequited Love, alternating pov, probably not
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-06-23
Updated: 2015-06-22
Packaged: 2018-04-05 15:38:31
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,372
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4185354
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/Ponies_and_Titans
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Armin Arlert is in love with Eren Jaeger. Hopelessly, head over heels. But he knows without a doubt that Eren will never love him back.</p>
            </blockquote>





	(Worse Than) Nicotine

**Author's Note:**

> So, I kinda just wrote this on a whim. I have no idea where I'm going or what's gonna happen to the story, so after you read, If you could please, please answer these two questions for me, it would be very much appreciated!
> 
> 1\. Should I continue this story?  
> 2\. If yes, then do you have any suggestions for where it should go from here?
> 
> Thank you very much!

All I can do is stare. Stare at the beauty that is Eren Jaeger…my best friend. Because best friends is all we will ever be, despite my best efforts to make our relationship something more. Something better, deeper, and more profound. Something that involved things like kissing and holding hands.

Alas, it would never come to be. I needed to accept that.

I trained my gaze down, on my food, gently stirring the steaming vetegatble stew with my spoon, deep in the recesses of my own thoughts. Thoughts about Eren, that is. I slowly traveled back, back through all of my memories with him until I came upon the fall of Wall Maria. There, I paused, and let the memory come back to me in all it's vivid detail.

 

_Eren clung tightly to my hand as we walked together, through the alleyways and backstreets of Shiganshina. I wiped the tears from my eyes with my free hand while Eren raved and ranted about my bullies, about how he should have kicked their butts because they deserved it, and how they were too afraid to even fight him. About how they were too afraid to accept the truth, and that's why they beat me. Mikasa just listened, not saying a word, nodding thoughtfully every few sentences that Eren spoke._

_The way he talked about me, and how he said that I deserve all the best things in the world, made me feel strange. It felt like I had a thousand butterflies fluttering in my stomach, and bubbles rising in my chest. It felt like nothing I had ever experienced before. I could feel heat in my face, and somehow, his words made me want to cry even more._

_And as we sat together by the riverbank, I read him my grandfather's book again. Then I looked up, and saw him smile at me. His smile made me smile as well, our eyes wide with wonder. Just the thought of exploring the outside world with him and Mikasa made me feel that strange feeling again. And for a fleeting moment, I was overjoyed, my heart thumping rapidly in my chest._

_Then the thunder struck, and the ground shook underneath us. I quickly picked up the book and reached for Eren's hand, which he took in stride. We rushed to the town center, where everyone was gathered, and a massive shadow was quick to cover us. Someone shouted, and we looked up, only to see the face of fear and evil itself._

_The Colossal Titan._

_And all of a sudden, we were blasted back, boulders of all shapes and sizes crashing down around us. Eren and Mikasa were quick to stand and watch while a huge rock crashed by their home. The pair took off running, leaving me behind. I rose to my feet, and tears streaked down my face as I watched the titans enter the city. I screamed for Eren, for Mikasa, for somebody to hold my hand and tell me that was I was seeing wasn't real. But there was nobody to comfort me._

_I wrenched my eyes away and gazed down at my hands, and then, I realized: I couldn't count on everyone to be with me all the time. So I held my own hand, and after a moment, that was enough to calm me down to where I could think logically. If that boulder actually landed on Eren's house, and if we were going to survive, we needed help. Fast. I looked up._

_I knew exactly who I needed to go to._

 

I shook my head, dropping the spoon accidentally and sloshing soup all over my other foods. I silently chastized myself for getting so lost in thought. No sane man or woman should be thinking in such detail about another person. Unless they were obsessive or a stalker. I suppose that I was a bit obsessive over Eren; I mean, I had been practically throwing myself at him for over a month. I smiled. He didn't notice a damn thing I did, but still, I couldn't help myself. Thus, I couldn't stop thinking about him. I began moving forward in my mind, to another time, where I had felt the feeling I now knew as love towards Eren.

 

_Mikasa lifted the unconscious Eren Jaeger up in her arms, out of the corpse of the Rogue Titan. She looked up at me, then lifted herself and Eren onto the rooftop using 3DMG. She gently set him down next to me, and the other trainees simply gawked as he opened his eyes. He stared at me for a long while, until I looked away, at his arm. The sleeve was torn off where the titan had clamped its teeth down, but the rest of his arm was completely intact, and not a bloody stub. I didn't understand it. Not one bit. I could feel my heart rabbiting inside of me, and heat rushed into my face, my vision growing blurry. How…how could this happen? How could Eren be a titan?_

_As thoughts and questions swirled around in my head, I became even more afraid. I needed someone…even the best need help sometimes, as I had learned that very day. So I reached my arm forward and took Eren's hand, lacing our fingers together, just as we had done countless times before, in our childhood._

_"What the hell happened…" I whispered, unaware that the words were even coming out. Any semblance of control that I had was completely washed away by then, and silent tears ran like rivers down my cheeks. It felt like I was about to burst, the butterflies and the bubbles moving so quickly that I didn't know what to do. I squeezed his hand tighter…I needed to make sure that Eren was really here, alive, not a scratch on him. 'Thank whatever god we have..' I thought._

 

I found that my smile had grown wider, and that my vision was hazy. God, I loved that boy so fucking much…I was too lost to notice the mess hall doors burst open, Eren and Mikasa shouting my name. The large majority of soldiers looked up at what was causing the racket, and simply stared while Eren and Mikasa continued to call to me. Their eyes scanned the massive room, and the next thing I knew, Eren slammed his hands down on the table, roughly jerking me out of my thoughts. I looked up at him, and he looked at me; we stayed like that for a long time, me marveling at the luminosity in his bright green eyes. Marveling at his mop of messy brown hair, at his tanned skin, at his full lips. And as I came to the realization that I would never be able to kiss those lips, never be able to hold him, never be able to say I love you, I broke down into hiccuping sobs. I covered my face with my hands, hoping to hide my massive blush, crying openly. He and Mikasa sat down across from me at the otherwise empty table.

"Armin?" I barely heard him say. "Are you okay?" I shook my head no. How could I possibly be okay in a world where there were titans looking to kill you at every turn? In a world that made us live inside of cages? In a world where I could never, ever see the ocean with the boy I loved?

"What's wrong, Armin?" Asked Mikasa. I said nothing. What way was there to tell them what was wrong? None. I wiped tears from my eyes as I stood, and began to back away from my friends.

"Stay away from me…" I said quietly.

"What?" Asked Eren, rising to his feet.

"You heard me…just…stay away." I said again. For a brief moment, our eyes met, and the hurt I could see in Eren cut deeper into me than any knife ever could. I turned around and took off running, out of the cafeteria and towards the boys' barracks. Once I made it there, I flopped down onto my bunk, weeping. 'I'm so pathetic.' I thought. 'I don't even have the guts to tell him…'


End file.
